At the foundation of my soul–and every person’s I’d guess–is the question: Do I want God?
I’m cornered on this question and have been for some time. Do I really want God? St. John of the Cross experienced his own Dark Night. He found God incredibly silent and removed from his own inner turmoil. Like the Psalmist (Psalm 77) St John begged God to break His silence.
St. John and I have that in common. In those deep recesses of turmoil I find myself not only questioning God’s seclusion but also whether I even want him to be near, period. Would I do what he asked of me if he broke his silence? Do I really trust him enough to follow his lead? So, I sit still. Not moving toward God yet not moving further away because….
In the midst of these haunting questions I find one inevitable truth. Turning from Him is not the answer. Life, in all its complexities, is better off with God. Wandering leads to sin and sin leads to death (Rom. 3:23). So here, as I reach the foundation of my heart where bitterness, anger and questions of God’s goodness reside I will tether myself to Christ–in whom I have “redemption, the forgiveness of sins,” (Col. 1:13-14; Eph. 1:7).
If you read this and are a brother or sister in the faith–pray for me but pray also for your own soul. These questions are in us all and how we answer them will determine the trajectory of our lives.